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The Winner of the No!No! is

Seohora No!No! hair removal device There were over 50 witty, clever entries in the “No!No!” contest and each and every one of them made us laugh and even empathize with the writer,” yes we’ve been there before” was repeated multiple times between the three of us.

We’ve all had harrowing stories of our quest to remove ugly, hair and we feel that the no!no! has created a sisterhood of women who have finally said enough to medieval hair removal methods! No more pain, no more hot sticky wax or the rotating torture device: “Epilady”, no more hairs being ripped out of resistant hair follicles, no more ingrown hairs, red rashes or nicks! So we can understand each of you wanting that No!No! and we wish we could give out 51 no!no!s but we only have one to give away. Thank you all for participating!

CONGRATULATIONS to Felicia Chen at comment number 24 – you are the lucky owner of a no!no!! Contact us at msdistressedderma@distressedderma.com within five business days of May 9th 2008 to claim your prize!

Here’s the winning entry:

24 Felicia Chen

I have no funny story, I AM a funny story; my life a calamitous collection of failed attempts at femininity (Dita von Teese I am not).
I was born half-Sasquatch, but with the bad luck of living in the city, without the luck of living in a cave, perhaps under a rock. Riddled with pores too big for sense to comprehend, the illogicality results in MULTIPLE hairs per pore or black debris left over from a pore too lonely without its other half, its Batman to Robin, a diabolical duo more zero than hero. (Sometimes the pores get wise to me and form little cozy domes, even producing a milky bath to cushion the curling, newborn hair inside.)
I’m cruelly surrounded by people with smooth, poreless slabs of alabaster for flesh. My mother, sister, grandmothers, friends are utterly hairless. (A friend of mine is bewildered at this “hair shaving business”. Blinking at me as if I were a different species, she once queried, “shaving? I never do that.” Even her BROTHERS are less hairy than me. “Can you BRAID yours?” I once challenged them. “Can you warm an igloo? Drop a hair ladder down to a drowning man? Win a hair-growing competition?!? MAKE COMPOST????” I blazed and taunted. “NO, you can’t! Hah!”
Sometimes the removal of so much organic matter really does seem like a waste down the drain or in the dumpster.
My “I have only six of the finest, most transparent gossamar-like armpit hairs so ephemeral they might as we be shadows of hair even after the onset of puberty” sister is CURIOUS about my hair growth. Inconceivable. She confronts me sometimes, standing there in nice sundresses or tank tops, shorts or tees, unconsciously cruel to my predicament.

I buy tank tops to look at, not to wear.
When temptation proves too much to bear,
I wear them for a moment in the house;
Like poor little Charlie Bucket languishing
once-a-year candy bar – is tormenting.

Will no!no! be my Willy Wonka?

She whines, “C’mon, lemme see! I don’t know what it looks like!”
She does not know what she asks. I once, out of spite, shoved a used wax strip in her face and innocence crumbled when confronted with the thick, spine-tingling image of an Amazon of hair, dots of blood, and clots of baby powder clinging wretchedly, dangling perilously.
“Ewww…is that real!?” she screeched.
Eyes too wide for their sockets, her expression was ten kinds of disgust and horror.
Sometimes she tries to help. Once it resulted in a case of folliculitis so bad my doctor thought I had a blood disease. Calmly lancing and draining the puss from vengeful follicles, I could only cackle helplessly at myself and my delusions of effortless smoothness. I was the picture of derangement. My despaired mother sat beside me wondering, “how did this happen??” I shrugged, bereft of feeling to my cureless plague.

Submitted by Ms. distressedDERMA on Friday, 9 May 2008


5 Responses to “The Winner of the No!No! is”

  1. 1

    Win A No!No! Contest | distressedDERMA Says:

    […] Win A No!No! Contest May 9th 2008 : We have a no!no! winner! […]

  2. 2

    Felicia Says:

    Hi!!!

    Is it too late?? I just emailed, but I thought I’d leave a reply too. I didn’t even think to check, I’m so sorry! Thanks so much for the chance at hairlessness. I’ll honour it as it deserves.

    Felicia

  3. 3

    ms. distressedDerma Says:

    Congrats Felicia! I’ve sent your information on to Berhman PR. Your no!no! should be in your hands very soon!

  4. 4

    julybaby Says:

    winning story ? good lord you liked that . i found it rather disgusting . although i must say the winner should be a writer. she is very talented . however i was under the impression the story was supposed to be funny not sickening tragic and odd. ehh taste is subjective i realise, but if that made you giggle we need to talk about whats funny .

  5. 5

    Mimi Says:

    ^Really? I thought it was pretty witty, in a dark sarcastic humour kind of way. I’m guessing the writer is of Asian descent, I know what it’s like to not fit the bill as the hairless Asian girl. Good for you Felicia!

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